


Perfect

by AssassinatedBeauty



Category: Smashing Pumpkins
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anorexia, Bulimia, Gen, Purging, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-26 14:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14403747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssassinatedBeauty/pseuds/AssassinatedBeauty
Summary: Billy just wants to be thin,even it makes him sick





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in 1993 during the Siamese dream era

Why can't I be beautiful?  
I just wanna be skinny. I wanna be able to see my ribs. I just wanna feel weightless.  
I just wanna be perfect.  
I've been skipping meals for a couple of days now in hopes of losing weight. Whenever I slip up I just make myself sick afterwards. D'arcy is the only one so far who's noticed that I've been starving myself. I told her that I just don't feel good.  
When I wake up I go straight to the bathroom to weigh myself.  
158 pounds.  
I've only lost 2 pounds. I'm such a failure. I step off the scale.  
I go back to bed. A few a hours later James comes in and asks if I want anything to eat. I tell him no and he goes away. D'arcy walks and sits down on my bed. She asks me if I've eaten anything today. I lie and tell her yes.  
2 weeks later.  
I can't believe it took me 2 weeks to lose 8 pounds. I'm such a miserable failure. James is starting to notice that I haven't been eating and I've been losing weight. He asks I'm feeling alright and I tell him yes. D'arcy overhears this and she looks worried. "But Billy you said you weren't eating because you didn't feel good." she says. I panic and tell her I'm feeling better. She says that if I'm feeling better I should try to eat something. I tell her I'm not hungry. "But I haven't seen you eat anything in weeks!" says James in a worried voice. I tell them that it's just a diet. D'arcy starts to get upset. "But you're already thin!" she yells at me. I tell her I'm not and she gets even more upset. She says that I've lost a lot of weight. I lie and say I've only lost 5 pounds. She rolls her eyes because she knows I'm lying. She says she wants to talk to me in private.  
I say yes and we both walk into my room. She shuts and locks my door.  
"Billy,I think you have an eating disorder" she worriedly confesses.  
I'm shocked. How did she know!? I begin to panic. "D'arcy, I'm perfectly healthy!" I tell her.  
She rolls her eyes again. "Then how come you haven't been eating?" she asks me. I tell her it's just a diet. She gets upset. "Billy,its obviously not a diet! You haven't eaten in weeks and you're losing a lot of weight When you were already thin nd healthy!" she yells at me. She's lying. I wasn't thin at all. I tell her again it's just a diet. Fed up she tells me that I don't need to lose anymore weight and walks out of my room.  
James was standing right outside the door.  
Shit.  
"Billy,I heard everything and D'arcy is right,I think you might have an eating disorder..." he shakily tells me. I'm so upset. Everyone keeps saying I have an eating disorder but it's just a diet!  
I tell him it's just diet. He looks worried but just walks away.  
I don't have a problem.


	2. Chapter 2

2 weeks later   
I step on the scale dreading having to see the number.  
140 pounds.  
Which means so far since I've started starving myself I've lost 20 pounds.  
It's not enough. It'll never be enough. I could lose 80 pounds and it still wouldn't be enough.   
I walk out into the living room and sit on the couch. Jimmy is sitting on the other end.  
Jimmy looks really worried. Everyone has been too worried about me. I'm just making myself skinny. I tell him that there's nothing to be worried about. James walks by and he looks really scared.  
"Billy,whats the last time you ate something?" he shakily asks me.   
I lie and say I ate something yesterday. He seems to believe it and walks off.   
D'arcy says that she ordered a pizza for dinner. I tell her I'm not hungry. She says that since I haven't eaten anything in a while I should try to eat something. I panic and give in. She smiles and we wait for the pizza to arrive.   
15 minutes later the pizza arrives. I eat a few slices just to get D'arcy off my back. She looks a lot happier and relieved. So does everyone else.  
I walk into the bathroom and lock and shut the door. I kneel down in front of the toilet and shove my fingers down my throat. I gag and spit up some saliva a few times before puking the pizza up. I stand up and my chest hurts really bad.   
It's worth it to be skinny.  
2 weeks later.  
Everyone is so scared now. They all keep saying I'm unhealthily thin.  
It's not true. I still need to be thinner.  
I decided to weigh myself to see how much more weight I need to lose.  
130 pounds.  
I still need to be thinner. I need to lose 15 pounds.   
I get a really bad chest pain. I've been getting these a lot. I've actually made myself really sick by doing this.   
I get short of breath from walking short distances. I'm always cold. I always feel really weak and shaky. Everyone knows now how bad my eating disorder is. They're constantly worried and trying To get me to eat. They just don't understand that I need to be thin.  
James keeps threatening to take me to the doctor if I don't eat some food without making myself sick afterwards.  
I just can't. They don't understand what it's like to be me. Even seeing food makes me anxious and nervous. I just can't keep food down.   
They don't understand how awful it is to be scared of food like I am. Even I did want to get better I couldn't.   
D'arcy is trying to get me to eat again. I tell her I'm not hungry and she rolls her eyes knowing I'm lying.  
I'm starving,but I can't eat. I need to be thin. Even if I was thin I would still be scared of food.   
Everyone says I'm scarily thin. My ribs are visible and my legs are like sticks.   
It's not enough. I still need to be thinner.  
I tried to get up this morning and when I did I was almost to weak to get up.  
I felt sick and out of breath after getting out of bed.  
It's worth it to be thin.


	3. Chapter 3

2 weeks later   
Everyone is really worried now.  
Even me.  
When I stepped on the scale a few days ago I saw that I weighed 119 pounds. I couldn't believe it. I was really happy.   
Now the side effects of starving myself are starting to catch up with me really hard.   
My arms are really weak. I need help getting out of cars and it's hard to get out of bed.   
I'm really cold and shaky all the time. I'm constantly tired. Sometimes when I'm walking my legs will collapse out from under me because they're so weak. I've been getting really bad chest pains.   
Purging has even nastier side effects.   
Sometimes I'll wake up at 4 in the morning with really bad heartburn. There's now blood in my vomit. I constantly have a sore throat.   
It's also messing with my head.   
I'm constantly anxious of gaining weight. Whenever I even see food I get really nervous and scared. I'm always on edge and really jumpy.   
Everyone keeps saying I look like a walking skeleton.   
And I have to say I actually agree with them.  
My ribs are visible in ALL my shirts. My legs are really twiggy.   
But it's not enough.  
I still need to be thinner.   
But I worry no matter how much weight I lose I won't be enough.  
No matter how much I starve or make myself sick it won't be enough.  
I feel so trapped  
Everyone is telling me to stop doing this. They don't realize I can't.  
No matter how much weight I lose I won't be happy  
The only solution is to starve myself until it kills me  
Then I'll finally be perfect


End file.
